The Crucible

When writing conflict, an author must explain to his/her audience two things: what guides the main character’s choices and why he/she cannot turn back on them. To writers, this demands the use of a device called trapping your character in the crucible.

The crucible is the most fundamental ingredient of a logical story because it justifies character action. Because when you really think about it, fictional characters don’t need to endure any of the imaginary shit through which they trudge. Alice could have said to hell with home and opted to live with the Mad Hatter. Luke Skywalker could have given justice the middle finger and taken up his father’s belligerent, space tirades. Mario could have averted an eight-continent trek and opted to save Miss Zelda instead.

The backup plan.

But the crucible forces otherwise.

Alice does not stay in Wonderland because she wants to go back home; Luke cannot join the Dark Side because has an overbearing sense of justice; and Mario cannot go after Zelda because he, arguably, loves Peach (and beating the shit out of Bowser) and would prefer being with her instead. Appreciating the crucible in fiction means understanding the fundamentals of human drive, the commitments that prevent our own heroes from running when shit hits the fan.

When you think about it, the crucible is present throughout our own lives—in school, finances, and relationships. There are many obstacles that keep us from getting the things we want.

I don’t know the answer to these problems but, taking a chapter from our heroes’ actions, I think the solutions lie in a culmination of three things: a little cunning, a handful of hard work, and a shitload of faith.

And maybe a green shell or two.


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Star Wars is a Metaphor for Life

The Rebel Faction represents Man and The Empire represents Woman. Each side hates the other with a passion hotter than Tatooine. Their petty squabbles mask the ubiquitous struggle of an organism to find a mate.

Like Greek sculptors, the Jedi Knights represent idealized Man. Each Knight is stalwart and chivalrous. His capacity is measured by his peers according to how well he wields the Force. And his Light Saber. The Knights fight to protect the throne, though subconsciously we know the prize is not Princess Leia but the fruits of her tree.

The Death Star main tunnel symbolizes a woman’s vagina; Luke’s X-Wing–the penis. His suicidal venture is synonymous to the battle of an over-represented sperm among a billion others. When Luke invades the core we do not cheer his triumph over the Empire–we celebrate the act of intercourse and conception. After all, it is what we are here for–kids and sex.

The ending of Star Wars IV is a metaphor for sex.

This might explain why the series is so popular among dudes–it is Love beneath the guise of lasers and Ewoks.


If you like this article, check out my theory on Streets of Rage! Like pretty pictures? Then visit my photography blog

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Your name is Colossus.

You are a 7″ Russian monster. Your mutant power enables you to harden your skin making you an indestructible, walking tank. Bullets don’t even tickle you. In fact, you’re so goddamn hard, you can’t even tickle yourself. The thought makes you laugh. But then again, you’re made of steel so all that your face reveals is a glossy, agitated smirk.

You smirk agitatedly.

One day, the evil Magneto kidnaps your beloved mentor, Professor Xavier. You are so pissed that it makes you want to rip up every goddamn Sentinel from here to Muir Island. So what do you with your almighty, God-given strength…?

You grow. That’s your special power: you fucking grow. And yell.

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Between the (SimCity) Lines

The Neighborhood Committee Adviser is riding my ass for not erecting enough police stations. She tells me that the muggers are scaring away shoppers and that I should do something about it before businesses start to plummet. I call her allegation bullshit. This isn’t the first time she’s bitched about something. Just last week, the Amateur Bowlers’ Association was complaining that residential taxes in my city were too high. Taxes were less than 4%! “Too high,” my ass. “Not enough police stations?” Fuck you, Neighborhood Adviser. You are wrong.

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Pacman can’t eat himself, can he…?

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Streets of Rage…and Hunger

In thinking about world hunger, I turn to Streets of Rage. The 1991 beat-em-up classic of the Sega Genesis console.

If you played the game you’re probably familiar with mechanics. Keep moving right and pummel everything in sight. Red-headed Irish thug rocking a three foot iron pipe? No problem. He goes down in four hits. Flame-spitting, obese man with wrecking ball force? Ha! Jump kick him before he tackles you. You died? That’s okay. You’ll drop five stories from the sky, knocking down everyone in a twenty yard radius. Low on health? Eat a turkey!

Just…eat a turkey you find lying in the middle of a rainy street.

At least it's on a dish.

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Michael Vick and his Pokemon Gym

You probably already know about Pokemon. The multi-billion dollar franchise boomed in 1996, attributing its success to the colorful and wild animals of eponymous title. The business has spawned a vivid collection of video games, an astoundingly long cartoon series, and a trading card scene that nearly rivaled Yu-Gi-Oh. Even in 2011, the series today still captures the heart of children and animal enthusiasts all around.

You probably know Michael Vick. The all-star football quarterback of Virginia Tech fell from public grace when in 2007, when he was imprisoned for masterminding an underground dog fighting ring in his own home. A midst the controversial court followings, Vick briefly lost his multi-million dollar contract and was sent behind bars on numerous counts of animal brutality. Evil? Yes. Inhumane? Yes.

And Pokemon-like? Surprisingly close.

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